Check out the Changemakers edition of Wildfire Breast Cancer Magazine. You’ll find 21 inspiring and courageous stories of women diagnosed with breast cancer who turned a life-changing diagnosis into a positive one to help others who are diagnosed. Anna, Founder of Entwine had the incredible opportunity to be included in this amazing edition. 💜💙. See her submission below!
How To Date With a Broken Vagina
Words by Anna Leonarda
I was married for 20-years to my one and only whom I met in the 8th grade, but the marriage came to an end a couple of years ago when I was 43. I thought to myself, “I think it’s best to stay single. What man is going to want to be with someone that lacks libido and has a broken vagina?”
Let me back up. Before I was diagnosed nine years ago with breast cancer, I had to deal with symptoms of Endometriosis. I struggled with pelvic pain for many years which included painful periods as well as painful intercourse. Having experienced pain so frequently (even with tampon insertion), over time I developed a condition called vaginismus where the vaginal muscles involuntarily contract making internal penetration impossible. The way my pelvic floor therapist described it was if someone were to come up to you repeatedly and punch you in the stomach, eventually you would tense up and you would flinch to get away from them. That’s what my vagina was doing. In short, my vagina broke. Along with the vaginismus, my libido was diminishing, and to add to more of my conditions, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.
To say I was shocked is an understatement. I don’t have a family history of cancer. I was diagnosed with triple positive breast cancer (estrogen, progesterone, and HER2 positive) which led to a double mastectomy, chemotherapy, immunotherapy, and eventually a total hysterectomy. My oncologist told me since my cancer was fed by estrogen, the goal was to force me into menopause and get my estrogen levels down to zero percent in order to prevent the cancer to grow or recur. He warned I was going to have issues with my libido as well as vaginal dryness.
I gave him a fake laugh. I thought that it wasn’t possible to have less of a libido than I already have. Well, he was right! My libido was non-existent and I was dryer than the Sahara Desert.
Then came the divorce and my resignation to stay single. I do desire other forms of intimacy, I just didn’t want to have intercourse. I was tired of the pain associated with it. All the same, I wondered what men do in a similar situation: single and are considering dating or meeting someone new despite a physical difficulty around intimacy. Friends of mine shared that they would use traditional dating apps and frequently meet men experiencing Erectile Dysfunction.
Can you imagine what goes through the man’s head when he is thinking of telling the person he’s meeting he has sexual limitations? I tried to put myself in their shoes. How anxious would I be if I went on a few dates and told the guy, “Hey I have the female version of ED, is that ok?” Heck no!! I wasn’t going to go through being embarrassed or rejected when the topic of intimacy came up. I was already dealing with being self-conscious about a double mastectomy and all the other scars that came along with the seven surgeries that I had.
My chemo brain stepped aside for a minute and I realized I needed to do something about this. I needed to help this unique demographic find companionship regardless of their sexual limits.
My lightbulb moment was when I realized we deserve to be loved too and should be able to use a dating app where right away the cards are on the table: it is assumed that by using this app, intercourse is not a possibility. This is when the Entwine dating app was born.
I created Entwine so individuals with sexual limitations like me can enter the dating world in a comfortable, non-judgmental way without the fear of being rejected or embarrassed. I wanted to find a way to take the sexual expectations out of dating. We didn’t choose to be this way. Cancer survivors have gone through enough as it is. Breast cancer may have taken away my libido and my breasts, but I wasn’t going to let it hold me back from finding and being loved by someone who would accept me for the way I am.
I have been asked why I don’t use traditional dating apps and just not mention my sexual limitations until after a few dates. I felt this wouldn’t be fair to me or the person with whom I was considering forming a relationship. To be honest, I didn’t want to risk being rejected after I started forming an emotional connection. In recent months, I have chatted with a few men and told them about my vaginismus and the responses I have heard confirm why I needed to create Entwine. The insensitive responses I have received range from “it’s okay, you have other holes” to “You haven’t been with the right person yet, wait until you are with me, I will cure you.” The most frequent one I have heard from men, women, and even doctors is a very dismissive “have a glass of wine and just relax.” If only it were that easy!
I’m a true believer in the saying “Everything happens for a reason.” I often wondered what the reason was that I got breast cancer. Early on I thought, maybe it was to help other women who were newly diagnosed. I have met many women along the way that have reached out to me for help and advice knowing that I had breast cancer. Something didn’t sit well with me though; I needed to do more. What better way to serve than to help individuals to find companionship who have given up hope and thought they would never find anyone who would want to have a relationship with them?
Prior to my divorce, I was a stay-at-home mom, primarily working part-time in the medical field performing secretarial work. I had no business experience, and I often thought, “What the heck am I doing?” Entrepreneurship has been a bumpy road, and I almost threw in the towel after being taken advantage of by the first app developers that I used, however, there was no way I was going to give up because I believe Entwine is much-needed. I truly, and passionately, want to help our unique demographic find true love, especially for those who may have given up hope because of a physical limitation. I cannot wait to hear the many success stories that Entwine will bring.